So, you were cheated on.
Would it surprise you if I said…”So what?”
I know what you’re thinking, and listen — I understand. Being cheated on by someone you thought loved you is one of life’s most painful experiences. You feel worthless, rejected — like a complete and total idiot.
You probably expected me to say something like “I’m sorry this has happened to you”, or that “you didn’t deserve this…”
Or perhaps I should even jump on the bitter girlfriend train by telling you what an asshole he is and that he doesn’t deserve you. But, let’s face it — you’ve heard all that, and it doesn’t help. You may expect to hear me say this has nothing to do with you. Well, that’s bullshit, too. This has everything to do with you.
Here’s the thing; the fact of the matter is that I’m not sorry this happened to you because it has brought you here. And girlfriend, I’m here to tell you that this is where you want to be! Sure, you may be pissed right now that this happened, but I can assure you — if you open your eyes to what is really going on, then this can be and will be the best thing that ever happened to you!
Listen, I understand your pain. I have experienced everything you’re currently feeling. I know what it’s like to have days when you feel like you just don’t want to go on. Days that felt like your heart has shattered into fragments inside of your chest. On top of that, I understand everything he is probably feeling – because I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I’ve walked this path of betrayal longer and more thoroughly than most, so I understand that you may not feel anything remotely close to positive in this moment. With that being said, I would be willing to bet that you sense the truth in my words. I bet you know there is an opportunity lingering somewhere amongst all of this pain, that it is in fact — happening for a reason. I’m not going to say that you don’t deserve the pain because it’s within the pain that you are going to find some of life’s greatest gifts.
No, I’m not going to tell you that I will help you “survive” infidelity or that I am here to “support” you. No way. This isn’t about commiseration, baby. Despite what you have heard, survival is not the ultimate goal. This is nothing short of your own personal resurrection!
So, I’m not sorry for you! I’m thrilled! Don’t get me wrong. We’ve got some serious work to do. But, I can promise you that the difference between this happening TO you and happening FOR you is within YOUR control. I’m happy you are here and I’m excited about what awaits you. You will soon find that amidst all of that pain, sorrow, suffering, anger and devastation are gifts. Gifts you can’t even imagine. Gifts that were there way before this ever happened and gifts that can only be uncovered through the trials and tribulations of life — that’s why this happened.
So while everyone around you is feeling sorry for you (or sick of the fact that you still aren’t over it), I’m here to tell you that it’s time to put your big girl panties on. Even Jesus was betrayed, girlfriend. So we are in good company. This can and should be the best thing that has ever happened to you.
The path of betrayal (for those who rise to meet it) is destined for the courageous ones. That’s who you want to be, right? Isn’t that why you found me? Is it something about the way I talk about these issues that have resonated with something deep in your soul? You sense that maybe you need to dig a little deeper? Work a little harder? Self-reflect a little more? I thought so!
In the meantime, let’s let go of the “survival” title shall we? Sure, it carries immense power for people who battle through cancer or war or crime, so let’s save it for them. When we speak that word in regards to infidelity, it so often reeks of “victim” instead of victor. Weakness instead of strength. Pain has its place and we will certainly go there. It is not something we tip-toe around, we must deal with it in a healthy and productive way. We will learn to walk through it and while we are walking through the fire, we will be forged, rather than burned. Better, not bitter. Healed rather than hell bent.
Let’s begin to talk of “thriving,” becoming more of yourself, more authentic, more loving, more trusting (yes MORE trusting!) This is what we are aiming for. I am excited for you because I know that you are meant to become the kind of person who when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you swell with pride and love for who you have become. I can’t wait to see her! Let’s get on with it, shall we?
If you have found yourself here, I believe that you were meant to. I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences. If you are here, it is because there is something here for you to know, or, we are meant to work together. Most likely, both.
If you have been cheated on, betrayed or experienced infidelity in your relationship, you’ve come to the right place. I will be so bold as to say you have also, found the right Coach.
Hi! My Name is Teri Lynn Wilkins. Everyone calls me Coach TL.
I may not know your situation intimately yet. You may have been cheated on years ago or it may have happened days ago. You might still be with your partner or you may have had many since. The cheating may have happened weeks ago or a decade ago. If you are here, you aren’t over it. But……I bet you WANT to be. I bet you want the pain to end. I suspect you’re ready — you’re ready to figure out how to move forward, and how to be happy. There is a saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
I may not know you personally yet, but I imagine that you…
Have figured out that time doesn’t heal wounds.
Feel you’ve endured too much pain and are angry that the triggers never end.
Claim to have “survived” infidelity. But you know somewhere deep… you’re still wounded.
Want to let it go, but you can’t understand why you are unable to.
Live in fear of those triggering moments that drop you to your knees in anguish.
May have even been through some counseling but it was only partially helpful.
Are fearful that you will never trust again
Are worried that you may never have the relationship or love that you deserve
If you have already left your relationship:
Maybe you are devastated to find that you continually attract partners that are deceptive, not emotionally available or still not faithful? Or maybe you are so protective of yourself that you don’t let anyone in anymore. Maybe you don’t trust anyone. Maybe you don’t even trust yourself.
Or, maybe you have attracted a new partner that you feel safe with. Someone you know you can trust and won’t cheat. But, you have discovered that ‘safety’ does not necessarily equate to love and passion. Nor does it take away the hurt.
If you are still with your partner:
Maybe you are still struggling, still wounded; still remembering and indefinitely tortured. All the while having no one to understand WHY it still hurts. Most of all, your partner who although possibly initially regretful, has become impatient and frustrated that you are not ‘over it.’
Whether you moved on to a new relationship, are still in the same one or a new one, I bet you are dismayed to still feel angry, bitter and hurt. You are frustrated to still be living in the past and completely exhausted and depleted by that anger and hurt.
Maybe, just maybe – you are finally tired of listening to your own story and feeling like a victim. Guess what – that’s the perfect place to be! I’ve been there. I have walked through that same pain you are feeling. I’ve experienced it all, seen it all and endured every miserable, gut-wrenching, life-sucking ounce of it. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. It was also, the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I want it to be the best thing that has ever happened to YOU. I can show you how. Things don’t happen TO us. They happen FOR us. If you are reading this, you might even believe that yourself. You may believe everything happens for a reason; for what it has to teach us. Being cheated on is one of life’s most debilitating experiences. It feels worse than death. It hurts worse than most things in life because it touches an open wound that all human beings walk through life with.The wound of not feeling ‘good enough.’ Everyone has it and being rejected by the person you thought loved you, brings that wound to the surface in a way that few other things can. It makes you feel a sense of worthlessness that is indescribable. However, that sense of worthlessness or not being good enough was inside of you long before the cheating occurred. Your partner has it too. It might, in fact, be the reason he cheated.
Let’s talk about the wound of not feeling ‘good enough’. Everyone has it and being rejected by the person you thought loved you, brings that horrible insecurity to the surface in a way that few other things can. It makes you feel a sense of worthlessness that is indescribable. However, that sense of worthlessness or not being good enough was inside of you long before the cheating even occurred. Well here’s news to you – your partner has it too, and in fact, it may very well be the reason he cheated on you.
There are five reasons people cheat. Discovering why your partner cheated is a critical part of the healing process and a core component of my coaching.
This is why beong cheated on can be a gift. It rips the band-aid off of that wound and presents a rare opportunity to heal it for once and for all. Not only that but you’ll also find strength, worth and joy inside yourself that you may have never found otherwise.
I don’t expect all of this to make sense yet, but it will. You will come to realize that the deep pain you feel has not as much to do with the person you believe inflicted it, but rather, something deeper inside of you. Something that YOU have control over! Something that YOU have the power to heal.
Most people who have been cheated on put all of their energy into blaming the person who hurt them. Because of that, MOST people never heal the wound. They suspended in blame and bitterness. We see these people everywhere – some may be alone, some may be with their partner but disconnected and unhappy and some may even be in new relationships. But all are shut down, angry and unhappy. You can feel it emanate from them. It feels terrible. It also doesn’t have to be that way. YOU don’t have to be that way. You have to realize that you have a choice.
So, who am I? I have been a successful Life Coach for over a decade. I’ve been featured in news and magazines across the country and have appeared regularly on television. I even had an episode on HGTV! But it certainly was not within THIS specialty.
I came to specialize in Infidelity and Cheating after walking the path myself. This comes from both sides, as both someone who was cheated on and someone who cheated. It gave me insight, understanding, and depth of knowledge about Infidelity that honestly, I didn’t want. I didn’t so much choose this path, as it chose me. There is more about me and my story here, but let’s get back to you.
You have the knowledge and power within you. THAT is why this has happened. FOR you, FOR you to FIND you. The woman who you were meant to be. Let’s face it – every person on this planet will have trials in their life. It’s part of the human experience –it is part of our growth and why we are here. This one happens to be yours. We have a choice when things happen to us. We can choose to be victims, or choose to be victors.
I’ll level with you – being cheated on was the hardest and best thing that ever happened in my life. I found myself through it. It made me into the woman I am today. More accurately, it helped me to embody and own the woman I was all along, and ultimately, I became someone I am proud to say I deeply admire and LIKE. I would not trade a moment of the pain, anguish or even a sliver of the incapacitating worthlessness that I felt, because what I found was something worth more than gold. I found self-love. I found my worth. I found that none of it had anything to do with anyone or anything else…..besides ME.