‘Clever’ username?

Think twice.  Mr. Superflyjock, Bombastic, and Mylipsarelikemorphine don’t sound confident.  They sound arrogant.  Hasjobcarandteeth, Singleagain, and Normalguy are at best a little sad and at worst, a tad pathetic feeling.  Ninjasandlasers, monkeykgoober, and bacondonut are just, well weird.  I know some of these are meant to be funny. But save that for a face to face.  Now, if you are actually trying to attract insecure, weird, dorky or arrogant women, then carry on latinluvflave’.  (Names are real, but have been slightly modified to protect you poor things)

Three sentence profile?

What ARE you supposed to say?  It’s challenging to write about yourself. I get it!  But, three sentences about how you are easygoing, laid back and chivalrous (this is WAY overused btw) don’t give a girl enough to go off of.  Listen, women are timid.  (The ones who aren’t just looking to get laid that is)  They are afraid of rejection.  Just like you.  They are afraid they won’t be good enough. Just like you.  They need to see something in common with you.  They need to feel a connection or at least see some similarities and hope for a connection.  They need a more than a generic sense of who you are.  The more real you can be, the more ‘YOU’ you can be the better.

Yes, it’s ok to be your flawed self.  Most women (mature women) are not looking for some checklist of the perfect man.  What they are really wanting (even if they HAVE this list) is a man who will think that they are perfect.  They want to know more about YOU in order to determine if they will be good enough for YOU. That’s just truth. So, give them enough details to feel that you might be a good fit.  If it feels impossible to write about yourself, ask someone else to write it for you.  Your female friends would LOVE to help you!  You can even admit “my friend Sheila wrote my profile because I was struggling with it.”  Trust me.  Love, honesty, and vulnerability are where it’s at.

“Nice,” “Chivalrous,” “Polite,” “Honest” and “Loyal?”  Listen, you may be a very nice guy. You may be chivalrous.  You may be honest and true and one of the good ones.  But I will let you in on a little secret. You ALL say that.  So, though it may be true…our eyes kind of glaze over.  Better to prove it in your communications with us (yes, the sense of that comes through in writing and phone calls) than to proclaim it.

“Confident, not cocky?”  Let me be clear.  If you claim to be confident but not cocky you, my friend are most assuredly the opposite.  Here are perhaps the most helpful few sentences you may read in a long time. Something every man and woman should know……  Confidence needs no pronouncement.   Confidence is silent.  True, genuine, real confidence is simply, felt.  It is seen.  It is even read.  But not in your proclamations of it.  Between the lines of what you say.  HOW you say things.  How you carry yourself.  How you speak.  This isn’t something you learn to project so much as you naturally project it when you actually have it.

If you claim to be confident, not cocky what you have instead is a slight (or not so slight) insecurity like the rest of us, humans.  Now, do you need to be confident?  Nope.  Vulnerability, authenticity, and self-awareness are some of the most attractive aspects of men.  Women too.  However, you DO need to understand that there is not a person on this planet that does not have insecurities.  If you think you don’t, you not only lack genuine confidence, you lack emotional self-awareness. Lastly, if you make women feel bad for having her own insecurities…..well, that just makes you cocky and an ass.

Photos….

Mr. Shadow Pic.  No Picture?  No Date.  No exceptions.  Unless she’s a heroin addict.  In which case, if your pic is missing because you keep ‘forgetting’ you are already in a relationship, ga head, take her out!

Mr. Serious.  SMILE!  I know you think not smiling in your pictures comes across as manly and handsome. It doesn’t.  It just looks unfriendly.

Mr. Sex Pout.  Sexy pouty lips aren’t sexy.  Unless you’re Dwayne the Rock Johnson. (Yes, he’s my fav :))  They just remind us of that song….. “I’m too sexy for my shirt….” which is soooo not sexy.

Mr. Sex Pot.  Posting pictures of you lying down with your shirt off or otherwise reclining in some sexy position will get you hit on from women only wanting to get laid.  Duh. If we posted pics like that, what would YOU think?  If that’s what you want, great.  Carry on Romeo.  But, isn’t it cheaper to go to the bar and buy her some drinks rather than pony up the $30 every month online soliciting?  I don’t know.  Maybe it isn’t.  Just remember the shirtless bathroom selfie is your only exception to this rule. See below.

Mr. Shirt off, Bathroom Selfie.  Ok, I’ll admit it.  We enjoy this.  We do. Even if we pretend not to. We really do. Provided, you have a six pack rather than a keg.  I must take a moment to applaud you, men. Because you really understand who among you should and should not post a pic like this.  I’ve yet to see a bad one.  (Women clearly do NOT grasp this concept.  Please allow me to formally apologize for the large segment of my gender that post raunchy pictures and absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt…..should not!   I’m sorry ladies. I’m all for being proud of your body no matter the size. But cellulite should not be seen. Ever!  #dimplecamoflage4life  (Also, if you show tits and ass then you will attract someone who likes your tits and ass.  Not you. But that’s another book!)

However, you HAVE to know that although we enjoy it, it does make you smell of vanity. I for one don’t mind that.  Most women who also work out and work out hard can appreciate it.  It’s no small feat to get that six pack.  To me, it’s ok to showboat a little.  But, even though most women will secretly enjoy looking, some of them will slash and burn your attempts to contact them based strictly on this photo.  What can I say?  Were crazy?  Nah.  I suspect that most of the women who will judge you for this are simply afraid of being with someone that fit.  Because they themselves are not confident in their bodies.  So they wouldn’t want to be with someone so focused on body and fitness.  In which case, she’s not the one for you anyway!  So keep the oblique’s flexing Adonis!

Mr. Funny Guy.  We all like to laugh.  Life is short and it’s meant to be fun.  However, if every single one of your pictures has your tongue hanging out or your fingers up a statues butt (true story) you are not communicating funny. You are communicating immature. Subtle difference.

Mr. Cut your ex out of photo.   Don’t do it.  We don’t care how good you look in that pic.  We know it’s the ex and that’s just icky.  Don’t you have any good ones without the ghosts of seasons past? No woman wants to be reminded of the memories of someone in your past.

Mr. I’m hot because I have hot buddies.   Nope.  Proximity attractiveness is NOT a thing.  If your buddies are cuter than you (and you know if they are.  Don’t pretend you don’t) don’t post pics with them.  It doesn’t make you look better. It makes us wonder “wow, I wonder if his buddy is single?”  Don’t get all bent out of shape.  You think the exact same thing when we post pics of our hot friends!  BTW-this applies to your female friend pics too.  If you are Mr. Social and always around attractive women, that’s terrific for you.  But a little intimidating for us.  We wonder if we may end up competing with these so-called ‘friends.’  Keep is solo bro.

Mr. Weirdo.  It shouldn’t need to be said (but I just saw it, so it does) If you post a pic of you in war paint with multicolored dreadlocks, with an Oscar the Grouch hat and pigtails or looking like a convict who posted his mug shot….well, sigh.  Smh.  If you look like a psycho in your pictures, we will assume you are.  This shouldn’t need to be written and I probably just wasted this paragraph because if you are posting these, I doubt you are reading this. Never mind.

Communications 101…

Didn’t read her profile?  If she’s not worth reading about, she’s not worth contacting.  Period.  Please do yourself (and her) a favor and read Mark Manson’s article “If it’s not a FUCK YES, it’s a no.”  It should be required reading for every person before posting an online dating profile.  Would save a lot of wasted time, effort, and broken hearts.

Didn’t bother reading her specs?  If you are 65, she is 45 and she specified no one over 50 (or 5’7 when she said 6’0 and above) she MEANS IT!  Again, read her profile!  Do NOT think you are the exception to the rule.  You aren’t.  If you haven’t read any of it and you just blasted her, you obviously don’t even care what SHE wants.  Which means you are pretty self-centered.  Or desperate.  Or both.  No one wants to date that.  Even if you ARE that rare, exceptional one and you think she may bend her rules for you (even though you are 20 years her senior and 1 foot her junior) you’re pretty much going to blow it with that arrogance.  At least acknowledge you do not fit what she is looking for, but you hope she might make an exception.  That shows a bit of genuine interest.

Should you wink, favorite and like?  Here’s the thing. It’s nice.  Certainly makes us feel good.  But, it doesn’t show much courage, does it?  The thing is if she’s just “ok” and not worth the effort of a message, why bother?   (Again, read Mark Manson’s “If it’s not a FUCK YES, it’s a no.”)  Don’t be lukewarm.  Don’t be soggy bread.  Don’t be “she’s ok.”  Worst of all, don’t be “there’s no one else interested in me so……”  She deserves more than that and so do you!  It’s better to not like, wink or favorite her unless you REALLY like her!  And, if you REALLY do like her, put your big girl panties on and risk the rejection.  Man up!  Because you know what’s REALLY nice?  Having a man show enough interest in you to actually READ your profile and then showing enough interest, desire, and courage to message you!   Trust me, since courage and confidence is a rare commodity.  You WILL be in the minority if you do this and you WILL stand out.

Be aware; you may not get a response.  Not all women are as kind as they should be. (Answer them, ladies!  Have common courtesy!  Even if it is with a “No thank you.”)  Some women just get bombarded with too many emails to respond to them all.  But MOST women simply don’t know HOW to respond when it’s a no.  They don’t know how to reject someone tactfully.  (Don’t berate them about this. You struggle with the same thing)   Regardless, it will be good practice for you.  Courage is the most important of the virtues and building it is a worthwhile endeavor!

There is one caveat to this.  Those of you who just mass message everyone (the shotgun approach?) Knock it off!  It’s gross!  It’s desperate, pathetic and wrong on so many levels. It also will never get you the woman you want because you are clearly just ok with taking whomever responds!!  In which case, you deserve that.

Can’t get her to stop talking and go on a date?  ASK HER OUT!  Listen, here’s the truth.  She’s talking endlessly to you for one of two reasons.  One, she isn’t really that interested in you.  She’s simply lonely.  You are just someone to talk to in order to keep the loneliness at bay.  (This is sadly, all too common.  You men do it MORE)   Or two, she is simply WAITING for you to ask her out and you’re the one talking too much! Hints and beating around the bush don’t count.  Ask!  Show her you have enough confidence to take the rejection because that will also show her you have enough interest in her.  If you ask her and she says “no” then you have saved yourself a lot of wasted time.  If you ask and she says “Yes” same result, as well as a possible connection!  Either way, stop complaining if it’s YOU who isn’t summoning the balls! Sorry to be so harsh but……come on.  Insecure boys hint and play.  Confident men ask and play to win.

Expectations checkpoint…..

40’s and afraid you can’t compete with the 30-year-old stallions?  My God is there a huge difference between 38 and 44!  Sadly. Shit falls apart fast at our age, doesn’t it?  However, this is a good thing for you.  Those 38-year-olds intimidate the hell out of her!  She doesn’t want to date them. Not really.  I promise.

Mr. looking for a confident woman.  The truth?  Most women are not confident. Just like most men aren’t.  So don’t expect that from us.  What you are really wanting when you say this isn’t confidence. It’s sexiness.  (Which comes from confidence of course)  But, don’t assume if she isn’t confident at first, that she won’t be later. It’s amazing how sexy and sure of herself a woman can become when she has a man that really WANTS her.  If you genuinely love and adore a woman, she will eventually gain confidence around you and she will absolutely, eventually embody that sexiness you want.  It just takes some time and a seriously quality connection.  In the meantime, look for an emotionally mature woman.  That’s a better expectation.  As well as compassionate, loving and kind.  Sexy comes later, for most of us.

Still looking for your perfect woman?  Isn’t it unbelievably arrogant when we women unleash our litany of the qualities of perfection we are demanding in our perfect man?  (Take note ladies; Are YOU all of those things?  If not, don’t expect to attract it!  Women!  We truly are ridiculous sometimes!)  Well, it’s arrogant when men do it too!  Just because you don’t have the list written out, doesn’t mean you don’t have it!  So check yourself.  You attract what you are.  Not what you include in a list of demands. Oh, I see your 45 and still never been married?  Mmmm Hmmm.  Keep strutting Cowboy.

“Just trying this out.” Or “Just looking to meet new people?”  That’s ok.  But if you’re not really into this ‘dating’ thing, the women who are genuinely looking and fully in this crazy roller coaster ride of online dating might just pass right on by you.  With anything in life, you get out what you put into it. We can sense your lack of enthusiasm and reluctance and that’s not attractive.

Mr. women only like bad boys and not a nice guy like me?  Let me unpack this for you.  It’s one of the most misunderstood aspects of women.  Do you know why women are attracted to bad boys?  It’s not because they are bad.  It’s because they PURSUE them.  A woman wants to be wanted. She wants to know she is desired.  Dare I say, she wants to be CLAIMED!  (Men are not the only ones with roots to our caveman days)  Bad boys KNOW this!  They are successful (in the short term) because they make a woman feel sexy and desired.

This is the simplest issue to fix.  When you see a woman who is a “Fuck yes!” (Did you read Mark Manson’s article yet?  DO IT!  You will thank me!) then go after her!  Don’t be rude and obnoxious about it.  But don’t be so polite that you show no real desire.  Let her know you think she is beautiful, compelling and someone you want.  It truly is this simple men. I swear to you.  Sometimes, it is YOU who make us more complicated than we are.  When it comes to this, we are more like you than you realize.  We just want to be wanted!  The key is that you have to GENUINELY desire her.  Not just sexually.  Duh.  You have to want HER and everything about HER!  If a woman senses real and sincere interest on your part and she is attracted to you as well, she will be putty in your hands!  Guaranteed.

A special note….

For you Cougar Chasers.  You little rascals!  If you are 15 years her junior and telling her how attractive she is and that you would love to meet, I applaud you.  I really do.  You, my dear, are a champion among cougar chasers.  Stalking your prey in an online dating site?  Sheer genius.

Being online makes a woman vulnerable.  She’s on a roller coaster ride of excitement, dashed expectations, rejection, and excitement again.  When she’s feeling low about herself, she’s a prime target.  Ready to lap up any positive attention that comes her way.  If it’s from a young hot gun?  Well, panties off my friend.  It’s a bit pathetic how little it takes.  A “Hot” comment applied to a photo caught in a moment of rejection and she’s all but crawling all over you.  I applaud you because you KNOW this.  Although some women will see through the tactics, most will not.  Which leaves you a HUGE pool of hookups.  Way better odds than the bar.  Plus the potential of repeat hookups.  This you know too. So for that, Kudos, young gun.  Kudos.

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