I came across a website today that stopped my breath. It was forwarded to me by a friend. A friend who had, unfortunately, ended up straight in the crosshairs of this website.
Cheater hating sites are certainly not new. They are not just simply common, they are prolific. Hell, there are television shows that make a sport out of catching cheaters in the act. Judgment, scorn, shame, and hatred of ‘cheaters’ is nothing new. It is in fact, the entire reason I do what I do. But this particular site was so cruel, so highly followed (millions) and frankly, so expertly written that in all honesty, it completely and totally left me feeling hopeless. It made me ask myself why the hell I am doing what I am doing. That trying to bring love, understanding and real healing to the topic of infidelity is like trying to put out a fire with a garden hose. It made me want to run. It made me want to give up before I’ve really even begun.
I deal with hatred, anger, blame, and revenge every single day. Within my clients’ own emotions. Within myself. We all do. These are all normal feelings to feel. Certainly, after you have been betrayed. Feelings that need to be processed. Worked through. However, they are not places to stay because swimming in them will ensure you drown. So, seeing an actual movement (not just a random blog) online that is so based on hatred and blame really shook me. Reading the credentials, academic background, professional accomplishments and purported expert claiming to bring wisdom and “empowerment” to people who have been cheated on…..well, it left me feeling pretty sad.
When are we going to learn that love is the only true healer? I say that and think….”Never.” Hell, If Jesus couldn’t do it, why the hell do I think I can? We are all so wounded. We lash out in an attempt to feel powerful, to numb our pain, to temporarily make the feeling of discomfort and vulnerability go away. It’s what we do. We always have. It’s what murderers do. It’s what addicts do. It’s what the average person does every single day. We are all the same. We hurt, and we hurt people. It’s just that when it comes to the topic of being cheated on, somehow we think this gives us permission to do horrible things back to a person in the name of “They deserved it.” Yeah. That’s what murderer’s think too.
Every single one of us on this planet has hurt someone we love. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. We like to believe that some hurts are more egregious than others. It’s one of the great misconceptions of our society. We rank pain. We rank “sin.” We think we have the right to decide what is good/bad and who is to be judged. We think we get to determine who among the ‘sinners’ deserves forgiveness versus who did it “on purpose.” Then, who should suffer? We think we get to decide who simply made a mistake and who is a piece of shit and should be crucified. We do this all while having no concept of why the person did what they did. They just simply “shouldn’t have.” “Should have known better.” “Should have had some fucking morals and done the right thing!” All this judgment while we simultaneously and continuously inflict pain on others. Every day. Doing it even in the very act of judging and crucifying who we feel deserves it. But it’s ok for us to do this because we didn’t do “THAT!”
In seeing the slaughtering that my friend took on this site, I got scared. I worried if that would be me someday. But I quickly realized that it is this exact scenario, her experience of being made to feel like a total piece of shit as a human being, that is my entire reason for doing this. No one deserves that. We KNOW THIS!
We may not learn that love is the only way. But we need to. We need to learn that we cannot judge and vilify ANYONE. We can set boundaries for people in our lives and decide what we feel is ok for us and not ok for us and if someone’s behavior does not meet that, we move on.
There can be consequences to actions. Indeed, there must and there ARE. However, what we fail to recognize is that everyone suffers the consequences of their own actions. Despite what we feel should be done to them. Always. It’s universal law. Regardless of whether you see it or not. It’s just that most consequences are simply invisible. Internal damage in the form of incongruence within one’s soul. Not visible, but more harmful than any punishment that we could ever impose. Justice is always done. It doesn’t need our intervention, nor our own selfish requirements of revenge.
Ironically, this website touts helping people by empowering them. The same message I have. But, hate is not an empowering emotion. It’s a destructive emotion. It weakens you. Eats you from the inside out. Paradoxically, real strength comes only from the ability to be vulnerable. True empowerment comes from understanding, love, and forgiveness. As does healing.
I may never be able to create a ‘movement’ of millions of people. But I’ve certainly healed some lives. For those who intuitively know these truths, and look for genuinely helpful and empowering information, it has made all the difference. So when I begin to question myself and my message, I need only to look to any one of our spiritual leaders. Both current, and time immemorial. Not one of them preached hatred.
Here’s to hoping we move more towards love. However small and imperceptible it may be.