When it comes to infidelity, comparison is the most painful game you play. Comparing yourself to the other women or man can leave you on the floor bathed in self-disgust. Desperately looking for something that will make you feel ‘better’ than them. The desperation to feel better than someone comes from the desperation not to feel your own sense of worthlessness inside. That fear that you are not good enough, which existed long before this infidelity ever came your way. That fear that you buried in countless ways, countless times hoping to never have to see it, feel it or deal with it…. ever. Lest it kills you. Now, infidelity has made that impossible. Worthlessness hangs on your shoulders like a heavy, wet, blanket of depression that you can not take off. Unlike anything else in life, infidelity brings out that worthlessness with a vengeance that threatens to destroy you.
Comparing yourself to the other women/man is a tempting game Because it often yields you a few physical attributes that you have ‘better’ than them. Maybe you’ve got better legs, eyes, boobs?. But for most of us, inevitably, there are things that the ‘other’ person has “better” than us. Maybe they are in better shape, younger looking or have a gorgeous smile. If it’s nothing physical, then our ego minds will latch onto something else. Do they love better than you? Are they more successful, smarter, kinder, more fun? It’s a scorecard that no matter how many tallies you have on your side, you can never win. Because your ego mind will always search for the one horrible thing about you, that caused the person you loved to choose someone else. (That’s not anything close to the reality, no matter how much it feels like that. But your ego mind is another blog)
You can’t stop the comparisons. That is a part of the journey. However, you can begin to ask yourself some deeper questions. Typically, the particular characteristic of theirs that is most threatening to you, are often the characteristics inside YOURSELF that you are most insecure about. If you accuse him of being ugly or out of shape, it speaks to your own insecurities about your looks. If you call her a whore, it speaks to your own insecurity around your own sexuality. If you label them morally deficient, your very judgment of them speaks to your own lack of compassion and love. So, it can look at this as an opportunity to heal those insecurities inside of yourself, then instead of spiraling into hell, you can come out of your misery loving yourself more than when you went in.
The cold hard fact is that the other person WILL most likely have physical and/or personality aspects that are “better” than you. So comparing will only end in hurt and shame on your end. What you are seeking instead, is to find something deeper inside of yourself. To stop looking at the surface and recognize your own soul. Your essence. To not fear the places you feel insecure, but simply OWN them. We ALL have aspects of ourselves that need work. Maybe you are selfish or demanding or not so loving. Denying those parts will only cause you to stay stuck in self-hate. On the contrary, owning them and learning to love yourself in spite of your less than pretty attributes is where your healing resides.
We all have places we need to grow. You can resist looking at those aspects, or look them straight in the eye and learn how to love yourself regardless. In that way, the ‘other person’ can simply act as your mirror. The mirror to illuminate all the places that need healing inside of YOU.