You’ve heard me say it many times on my Periscope Broadcasts……”You don’t attract what you want, you attract who you are.”
First, let me say that this is not intended to pass judgment. I’ve snooped. You’ve snooped. When you suspect cheating, it is shocking the levels we will sink to in order to find out.
For the moment, let’s set aside the judgment of snooping. As well as the question as to whether you should or shouldn’t. Back to the attraction piece. If you attract who you are, not what you want, then what could snooping say about you?
Going through someone’s texts, phone calls, credit card bills, computer, emails, purse, car, reading their diary is all pretty sneaky, isn’t it? Secretive? Invasive? Dishonoring of them? Even…..immoral? One might also argue that it is a bit manipulative and just flat out wrong.
“But wait!” you say. ” I deserve to know if someone is cheating on me!” “When you are being lied to, how else are you to find out?” “It’s justified in that case!” Interesting point. When you feel someone is deceiving you, and you can not trust them, the need to know is certainly, paramount.
However, the question that comes to mind is not if you deserve to know but rather, how you choose to find out. There are many ways aside from snooping. Asking, for one. If you do not get a satisfactory answer, then requesting more. How about asking to look at their text messages? Or asking to look at their emails? Or asking to look at those credit card receipts. “OMG! WHAT? ASK THEM? That would make me look insecure, crazy, controlling and irrational!!” “They would get angry with me!” “What if I am wrong and I look like an idiot?”
Interesting. So, rather than risk looking bad in your partners’ eyes, rather then deal with a possible confrontation and rather than asking for your needs to be met…….you would rather go behind their back? You would choose instead to do something you know is manipulative, wrong, dishonoring of them, distrustful and secretive? “Yes,” you say.
Ok. I get it. You feel it’s justified. Because they did something to YOU. You are simply trying to confirm it. But, can you anticipate where I might be going with this? Can you see that the characteristics of what you are doing, mirror what they might be doing?
One could argue that the cheating is “wrong” and the finding out part is a consequence of that and therefore not wrong. My argument would be the opposite. Here’s why; you only need to dig just a tad bit deeper to see that your need to find out is coming from strong emotions. Emotions like fear of rejection, feelings of being unloved, panic, anger, insecurity, the need for reassurance. You want to know but you are not brave enough to really confront the issue. To deal with the possible anger. To risk looking bad.
But guess what? These are also some of the reasons people cheat. The very emotions you are looking to soothe inside yourself are in fact some of the similar emotions that the cheater is looking to soothe inside themselves. There may be problems in the relationship that they are too afraid to confront. They don’t want to deal with your anger. They don’t know how to ask for their needs to be met. They have strong emotions that they don’t know how to deal with. So they go ‘looking’ elsewhere to have them met.
“But cheating is wrong! you will argue.” Yes. Not disagreeing with you there. But remember, my point is that we do not attract what we want, we attract what we are. If you are someone who is insecure, feels unworthy of love, unsure of your relationships, distrusting, looking for validation from others (I could go on) you will attract the same. If you are someone who is not emotionally intelligent, lacks proper communications skills and does not know how to effectively ask for your needs to be met by your partner, you will attract the same. Your BEHAVIORS may be different. But your issues are the same. Capeesh?
So, let’s answer the question now. Should you snoop? You might still answer “How else am I going to take away this horrible feeling I have and sooth my insecurities and fears?” Hmmmmm….I wonder if the person who cheated on you was feeling that same way?