Filled with courage. A risk taker. Independent. Needing no one. Able to take care of myself. Always. Strong. Fierce.
Filled with fear. Afraid of change. Dependant. Needy. Wanting to be taken care of. Always. Weak. Meek.
Me. All of me.
I’ve learned that the louder someone proclaims parts of their personality, the stronger they are actually run by its opposite.
As fierce as I am, as courageous as I have been, as risk-taking as I have been my entire life….I’ve finally had to accept that most of this is protection. I learned at a young age that to rely on someone to take care of you is not safe. I learned that expecting someone to care for you often yielded disappointment. My child self-learned some very good coping skills to navigate this. Take care of yourself. Rely on no one. Be ok being alone. You are actually SAFER alone because no one can take anything from you.
This doesn’t serve my adult self well. To heal, I have to turn towards the things that most disgust me. I have to ask myself; Where I can allow myself to be taken care of? What times can I allow myself to be afraid? How can I learn to depend on someone? Who is it safe to feel weak and meek with?
Denying parts of myself that are deep causes me tremendous pain. It kept me safe as a child but keeps me weak as an adult. Not acknowledging that I sometimes want to be taken care of keeps love out. And worse, it makes me a fake. I can’t be at peace because my soul knows I am not being honest by pretending. Navigating allowing myself to be loved versus collapsing into a relationship and expecting it to fulfill all my needs is delicate territory. I am nowhere close to figuring this out. But, I will keep trying. Because I know that turning to face the things I find repulsive and weak about myself is the very place I find all the things I find admirable and strong about myself. I know I find my strengths through my weaknesses.