Time, in and of itself is not the healer. However, with time we gain INSIGHT and UNDERSTANDING of the challenges of our lives. We gain reflection. We gain perspective. We grow. It’s the growth, insight, and wisdom that come over time that is in fact, what heals us.
When it comes to infidelity and being cheated on, it’s common to hear that it’s “normal” to be in pain, triggered and broken years after the fact. It’s important to distinguish that what we often consider “normal” might not actually be normal at all. It might simply be “common.” Accepting something as normal means you believe it to be a healthy thing. That is misleading. Just because something is common, does not mean it’s normal.
I decided to do this work of helping women because it broke my heart to see so many of you wounded, broken and bitter……Years later. Something most women believe to be “Normal.” It’s not. It’s common, not normal. What is common is being cheated on and never healing from it. Never getting the lessons. Never obtaining the gifts it can bring. Whether in or long out of your relationship, the common (not normal) thing I see is women who have not healed. I want to change that. This is why I do what I do.
As an infidelity coach and someone who has been both a cheater and someone who was cheated on here are what I believe to be true. When you have been cheated on and if you have help (counseling, coaching etc) it will take a year to two years to heal your relationship. (If it is a relationship that is healable. Most relationships are not in fact, fixable because the reason cheating occurred is due to it not being healthy, to begin with) This one to two-year timeframe does NOT begin until any and all contact with all parties (the other woman/women) has stopped. If contact is initiated at any time during that one to two years time frame, the process will take longer. If cheating occurs again during that time, the time frame starts completely over and will take longer the second time around.
If either person is holding on to the relationship simply due to religious beliefs, fear, children or any other reason that is overriding what their soul is telling them (to move onto a healthier and happy relationship) there will never be healing. If the reason someone cheated has never been understood, trust can never be rebuilt and there is no healing.
Momentary sadness is normal. Triggers, being in fetal position, hating your partner, feeling broken and wounded and bitter years later are not normal. A loss of intimacy temporarily during those years is normal. A continuing loss of it is not. Thinking of the other woman on occasion is normal. Spinning out of control with jealousy (which are really our own feelings of inadequacy) is not.
Many of the things around infidelity that we want to consider normal are not normal. They are simply common. Common does not equate to healed. Being cheated on can be the best thing that ever happened to you. With the right guidance and a willingness to look in the mirror, It can (sometimes) allow us to fix what was broken in our relationship. (The REASON your partner cheated determines this, not your determination) If we leave our relationship and seek the right guidance as well as self-reflection, it can change us in a way that we never dreamed possible. It can be the catalyst to make us more whole. More loving. More trusting. More HEALED. Being betrayed can teach us how to love ourselves more and in turn, how to attract more love into our life. It’s not an easy journey. But it is one bearing gifts if we are willing to look deeper. With courage and a willingness to honor yourself by creating a life you are meant to live (with or without your partner) you will heal. Time does not heal you. You heal you. Over time.